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The year was 1943. Readers were sending in their hysterical true stories in droves, and the editors here had a revelation: \States, the first of our humor departments, which was soon followed by All in a Day's Work and Humor in Uniform. One of the early stories: A wealthy New Yorker, \in the Abercrombie & Fitch version of What a Man Should Wear in the Wilderness,\laconic Maine lobsterman. \you?\

Since then, readers have sent us over 20 million true stories and jokes, about 100,000 of which we've published. And now we're bringing you the best of the best. Edited by Jill Krasny

Ill Defined

1. We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: \

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

\, \ --Patricia Longbottom

2. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.

\gown.\

--Patsy R. Dancey

3. One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.

\ --Linda Feikle

4. I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn't help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, \ --Terry Wisener

Do the Right Thing

5. Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. \me,\.\

\ --David Carver

6. My husband decided to install a light switch in our master bedroom. Cutting into the wall, he discovered a stash of bottles and boxes.

\

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole he had made in the back of our medicine cabinet. --Nola Pirart

Wedded Blitz

7. The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.

\ \

\ --Deborah Caudell

8. When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. \ \ \ --Tonya Winter

9. \

\science room. But they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other.\ The woman nodded sympathetically. \ --KathyJo Townson Child's Play

10. We rushed our four-year-old son, Ben, to the emergency room with a terrible cough, high fever, and vomiting. The doctor did an exam, then asked Ben what bothered him the most. After thinking it over, Ben said hoarsely, \ --Angela Schmid

11. \than he felt he could deliver, \Strawberry Festival' and, below in small letters, 'On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.'\

--Boston Transcript

12. The best advice I ever received came to me from my ensign when I was a Wave at boot camp. She told me, \ --Anonymous

13. A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. \With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: \to the barber's.\Within seconds we had our ride. --Raymond Butkus

14. A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, \much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: \no prime rib.\ --Phyllis Reely

15. The teacher in one of our local grade schools was showing a copy of the Declaration of Independence to her pupils. It passed from desk to desk and finally to Luigi, a first-generation American. The boy studied the document reverently. Then, before passing it on, he gravely added his own signature. --Katherine T. Floyd

16. On the way back from a Cub Scouts meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. \first place?\

After my son hemmed and hawed for a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. \don't have to make something up, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.\ --Harry Neidig

17. Driving with my two young boys to a funeral, I tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death. The boys behaved well during the service. But at the gravesite, I discovered my explanations weren't as thorough as I'd thought. In a loud voice, my four-year-old asked, \ \ \ --Ginny Richards

18. A family was celebrating their daughter's fifth birthday at a local restaurant when the little girl's father noticed her looking sadly at a moose head on the wall.

Someone had placed a party hat on its head. Her father knelt beside her and explained why some people hunt animals.

\have to shoot him at his birthday party?\

--Jerry Bundick

19. On the last night of our childbirth classes, our teacher took us to see the maternity center. We were gathered by the door when a woman, clearly in labor, and her nervous husband came rushing in.

When he saw our group of pregnant women, he panicked: \that line!\ --Rachel Zeboski

20. We had just finished listening to an old Simon and Garfunkel tune when my young daughter asked, \ \

\ --Ron Pearce

21. A woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy along with her seven-year-old son. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, \money to buy a soda?\ \

He replied, \

The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money. --Mercury Nickse On the Clock

22. When a nun collapsed in the sales representative's office at our time-share resort, the rep ran to the front-desk manager.

\ Unfazed, the manager just looked at her.

\ He replied, \ --Donna Caplan

23. Although desperate for work, I passed on a job that I'd found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: \ --Michael Leamons

24. My first job was wrapping hams at a meatpacking plant. One day, I was heading out the main gate right behind a woman who was rather rotund. Or so I thought.

Just as she passed the guard shack, a ham dropped from her skirt. Before the guard could react, she wheeled around, shouting, \ --Roger Schoen

25. While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl's hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. \do you think?\

\ --Audrey Kelly

26. My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle

in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. \ The fellow smiled and said, \ --Christine Probasco

27. I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, \chided, \ --M.M.

28. Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company's website with the following words underneath: \daily.\

--Dianne Stevens

One for the Road

29. Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, \ \ --Louis Allard

30. My friend John and I, determined to see the world, signed on to a Norwegian freighter as deckhands. We were being trained as helmsmen, and John's first lesson was given by the mate, a seasoned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was holding the heading he'd been given, when the mate ordered, \

Pleased at knowing which way starboard was, John left the helm and walked over to his instructor. As the helm swung freely, the mate politely asked, \you?\

--Bruce Ingraham

31. Sitting in coach during a lengthy flight, my wife and I heard a flight attendant ask the high-paying passengers in first class, \ A few minutes later, the curtains between the two sections parted, and the attendant wheeled the wine cart back to our aisle. \a glass of wine? We have white and red.\ --William V. Copeland Press '1' for ...

32. When Dad's satellite dish conked out, I found him on the phone with the help desk. The TV set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires spilling